Relationship jealousy is a basic human driver. A relationship is something we think we need in order to make ourselves a functioning member of society. But what is the other person looking for in me?
Simply put, a man is after sex, a woman is after a nest. For most individuals this dynamic is taking place. He wants to have sex with her and she wants him to make her a nest. This is why relationship jealousy differs so much between the sexes. Men are sexually jealous and women are resource jealous.
Why isn’t cheating the same?
When a man cheats on a woman, it’s not so much the sex that she minds, it’s the fact that he’s spent resources on the other person. This is true whether it is a prostitute or whether it s a mistress who he has set up in a flat.
For a man, the jealousy is sexual. If she cheats, she’s allowing another man to potentially impregnate her. This means that any offspring she has might not be his.
These basic fundamental instincts occur whether the woman is on the pill, or the man has had a vasectomy, etc. They are basic drives that have been learned and adopted from our animal nature.
Can we overcome them? No. It’s a natural drive to feel relationship jealousy because of the will to life we each have within us. We all have a strong ‘will to life’ drive, a striving inclination to persist in your own being. This is not only your current being but also any legacy, resources, family, or descendants that continue to exist after our existence. It is our existence and legacy.
Partners are naturally jealous of one another because they are fighting to maximize their own power and ensure their partner is loyal to them. I have seen this repeated in gay couple, where one partner is sexually jealous, but the other is resource jealous. It would seem to be a human pattern.
It’s A Power Battle
Jealousy is a normal part of the power battle. If someone has been unfaithful, whether with sex or resources, it’s natural for the other person to feel cheated. This is our basic animal instinct and natural sovereign right.
How do we deal with it in our own relationships? Acknowledge where you feel jealous and observe your own behavior. There can be a tendency to excessive jealousy in insecure individuals. Either the relationship is rocky, because of the partner not giving you what you want, or perhaps your own demands are unreasonable. This occurs in a man when a woman looks at another man, or when a man tips generously. If you react this way, you’re struggling in the relationship and need to look at it now. Communication and negotiation are important here. Find out what the other person wants, and discuss it. If it doesn’t work for you, find out why?
Or are you really in a relationship with the relationship?
For more on the reality of life, see Martin Butler’s article on security or freedom.