In a relationship, you’re not seeing the other person. People believe that a relationship means they will have their needs met by someone else. They’re wrong.
You think that you’re having a relationship with ‘someone’, a significant other. But when you have a ‘relationship’, the relationship gets in the middle and separates two people. Each person is expecting something out of the ‘relationship’ bubble, but the bubble is a barrier to two people getting to know one another. The idea of a ‘relationship’ is romantic imagination. The other person is meant to fulfil your needs. This is nonsense.
It’s a mistake because you try to mold that person into the perfect someone you want to be with and cannot accept them as they are. Often, you don’t even like that other person and that person does not meet your needs. They don’t change their underpants often enough, they smell bad, if only they could change that one little thing… and so on. They are also too busy trying to meet their own wants and needs from you too, to be able to consider your needs. If they do consider your needs all the time they come over as clingy and weak, and probably are.
When you are in a relationship with the ‘relationship’, you have expectations, hopes and fears, rather than doing your thing and allowing the other person to do their thing. A ‘Relationship’ clouds your interactions with someone through your own expectations. The imagination of the other person is not ‘real’, the expectations you have are your imagination of how things ‘should’ be for you (in an ideal world).
Instead of being in a relationship, interact with other people as you would if you were meeting your own needs and see how it goes. Allow them to be who they are, and you can be who you are. If it works, great, if not, you have nothing to let go of because you were never in a relationship with ‘them’ in the first place. You were lost in a dream of what a relationship should be.
If you have an expectation of the other person, express it, so they know what you want. If you don’t tell them, they will never know what you want, and they can only guess. They will not get into your head and think ‘Oh yes that’s what they want’. If they could do this, they’re missing their vocation as a mind reader.
Instead, they are trying to second guess what you want and will miss the mark. Communication is essential between people, not hoping the other person will know you so well that they will instinctively know how to meet your needs. Only you can meet your needs, no one else can do that. So, if you want your needs met, either do it yourself, or tell them exactly what you want. Otherwise, you will feel hurt that they got it wrong, be resentful of them and withdraw from them. This is unfair because they have no idea what you want.
When you want something – ask! If you don’t get it, get it for yourself. No one owes you anything and you don’t owe them anything. The only person you owe to is yourself, so nurture yourself and drop the idea of what a relationship is. Accept what it is and work it out from there.
