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Understanding

Rejection

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Rejection and dealing with it

Rejection and How to Avoid It

Rejection can be very painful. It’s easiest to address this and understand it through the wisdom of Spinoza.

Rejection and External Identification

Spinoza addresses this in his Ethics and says that the fear of rejection arise from our desires and attachments to external things. According to Spinoza, our happiness and well-being should not depend on external factors or the approval of others. Instead, he emphasizes the importance of understanding and aligning ourselves with the fundamental nature of reality.

In Spinoza’s philosophy, he argues that everything in the universe is governed by a deterministic causal chain. Our desires and attachments, including the fear of rejection, stem from our limited understanding of this causal chain and our mistaken belief that we are separate from the rest of nature. Spinoza suggests that by gaining a more comprehensive understanding of the world and recognizing our interconnectedness with it, we can achieve a sense of tranquility and liberation from that fear of being rejected.

True Happiness is Internal

Furthermore, Spinoza posits that true happiness lies in cultivating a rational and virtuous life. By focusing on reason and ethics, we can free ourselves from the fluctuations of external circumstances and find inner contentment. According to Spinoza, this requires embracing the power of reason, practicing self-reflection, and developing a deep sense of self-acceptance.

Rejection and what to do now?

In light of Spinoza’s teachings, I would encourage you to reflect on the source of your fear being rejected and examine the desires and attachments that may be driving it. Consider how your happiness and well-being can be independent of external validation. Focus on developing a strong sense of self, grounded in reason and ethics. Remember that when you sense that you are being rejected, it is often a subjective judgment of others and does not define your worth as a person. Embrace the interconnectedness of the world and seek fulfillment through internal growth rather than external validation.

How to get Assistance

Keep in mind that applying philosophical concepts to personal struggles can be challenging, and it may be helpful to seek additional support from mentors, counselors, or therapists who can provide guidance and help you navigate these issues more effectively.

To Explore deconstruction of your conditioning, work with me, explore Deconstructionizm.com and become a Patreon member of Martin Butler’s channel.

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Understanding

The Controller

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Controlling Egos

The controller comprises the ego, the superego, and the infra ego. They all battle with each other and try to control you through emotions. The intent is for survival. However, they operate out of fear. If you can remain calm and in control, then you can overcome the controllers.

There are three parts of the controller that try to control your emotions. The ego, superego, and infra ego is all controlling your emotions for their own survival. If you can remain calm and in control, then these three controllers will eventually give up on trying to control you. If there is nobody to control, then these three controllers will eventually lose their power.

The ego, superego, and infra ego is all part of you, but only part of you. They try to control your emotions to ensure your survival. They operate through fear because you learned to create them out of fear. If there is no danger or no threat, then the ego and superego will not react as strongly to controlling your emotions.

Physical Effects

The autonomic nervous system (ANS) system has two ways of working. The sympathetic system generates fear, while the parasympathetic system operates from calm. There is no middle ground.

Each mode has its own separate set of neurotransmitters that operate at a different frequency and different electrical potentials.

Although there is a relationship between fear and peace, they are not the same thing. They are two opposite sides of the same coin.

There are glands that produce both sets of neurotransmitters. There may be other glands and the brain itself may have other modes of operation, but for now, we will focus on these three.

They operate independently of each other but work together to give you a complete experience of life. The superego tries to control your emotions through guilt and shame, while the ego tries to control your emotions through reward and punishment. The infra ego tries to control your emotions through anxiety and worry.

If you can balance your emotions with the parasympathetic or peace system, then the ego, superego, and infra ego will lose their power over you.

There is no in-between because the nervous system operates in two modes, only fear and peace.

The Controller of Stress

Because we live in a stress-driven world, the default mode for the nervous system is fear. When you are living day to day, the stress that arises in your life causes your body to react and release stress hormones into your bloodstream.

The stress neurotransmitters are called cortisol and epinephrine. These chemicals make you alert and ready to respond. When the stress levels in your life settle down, then you go back to a relaxed state of mind where you can be aware of yourself and nature again.

Freedom Through Deconstruction

The deconstruction method helps move attention out of the reactive passive fear, fight, flight, and freeze mode into peace and reason through attention, observation, and understanding. The deconstruction method is a process to help you shift your attention out of the stress-driven reactive mode and into the peace-oriented parasympathetic mode.

As one deconstructs, you begin to become aware of your reactions. This awareness helps you realize that when a reaction occurs, it is not you who react, but something within yourself reacting, a controller. When you are aware of the controller, then in time you become more aware of yourself and more in touch with your true nature.

Try It Out With A Practical Experience

An easy way to start with this is to get up 15 minutes earlier and body sense. You do this by scanning your body with your attention. Start at the toes and slowly move your attention up to the top of your head. What do you feel? Is there pain or tension anywhere? Is it in your face, neck, shoulders, chest, back, or stomach? Breathe and relax any areas that are causing you pain or tension. Take your time and stop and start again as many times as you need.

Journal what you experienced. The more you do this, the more you become aware of your controllers and what they are up to. Once you become aware of the controllers, then you can begin to change or override the controllers.

Looking at what is going on around you also helps to deconstruct. When something happens and your controller reacts, slowly stop, and watch what is happening in your mind’s eye as well as observe the actual occurrence in real-time.

Now Observe

Once you notice the controllers, you can begin to watch them. You can begin to observe your controllers as they are talking with one another. Pay attention to the conversation, who is talking and what they are saying, and how it feels when they talk with one another.

Once you become aware of the unconscious mental parasites that try to control your emotions, you will be able to act against them.

Martin Butler’s article on Mad Robots is a useful resource to read further.

More about freeing yourself in the article: Do You Want Responsibility or Freedom?

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Understanding

DOSE Chemicals

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Your Daily DOSE of Happy Chemicals

The four Happy Chemicals, Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin and Endorphin work together to increase your emotional happiness, drive, and motivation.

You need to learn how to generate these four brain chemicals naturally, so they flow through your body and mind continually as they are required for optimum health, happiness, and well-being. They will make you feel good and help you to think clearly. You should avoid getting any negative side effects by increasing these brain chemicals in moderation.

You can increase all four main brain chemicals through physical exercise, social interaction, nature experiences and music. Exercise generates endorphin, nature experiences generate Oxytocin, social interaction generates Dopamine and emotional music raises serotonin levels.

You’ll get an idea about how to increase these four brain chemicals naturally with the aid of simple do-it-yourself techniques. You’ll have to look for a way to put your body and mind into action so it can produce the most important brain chemicals and increase their levels enough for you to feel healthy, happy, peaceful, and motivated. You need this for breaking barriers that can limit your life potential. Everyone who needs happiness should do the same and increase their four main brain chemicals.

DOPAMINE

Dopamine is present in your brain and plays a vital role in emotion, movement, learning and motivation. Cortical areas of the brain, including the frontal cortex control most of the cognitive functions of thinking and complex behaviour.

You probably want to know how to increase your levels of these brain chemicals, if you are happy and you have all the sources of happiness in life. Dopamine is one of the most important brain chemicals for happiness, and it makes you feel happy as well.

Dopamine can also increase your focus, motivation levels, and drive. It makes you feel alive and it gives you a boost of energy. Dopamine can create a feeling of enjoyment that makes it fun to do things because you get pleasure from it – this is called motivation.

To stimulate your dopamine levels, you need to love yourself, love your life and love what you do. You need to have the desire to make things happen for yourself, and you need to be motivated enough to do something that will change your life in a positive way.

The most effective natural sources of dopamine are physical exercise and social interaction. Exercise has been shown to produce more dopamine than any other activity.

NOTE: If you have too much dopamine in your brain, then you are likely to end up having depression. Dopamine is a major factor in happiness and satisfaction. An excess of dopamine can give you feelings of pleasure and make you feel good. We mustn’t overdo it with these chemicals.

OXYTOCIN

Oxytocin is released during social interaction. It helps keep emotional balance and bolsters bonding within families and relationships. There are indications that it may also be involved in feelings of romantic love.

Nature experiences generate Oxytocin. It enhances your ability to trust and feel close to others, including friends and family. It’s important for couples who are trying to build a strong relationship. Oxytocin is even more effective if you are exposed to nature regularly.

When you get outside in the fresh air or nature for about 20 minutes, you’ll produce a little Oxytocin but just walking around town or at work will not do it for you because it’s not fresh air or nature that we’re after here.

Oxytocin increases when you use your imagination and get lost in a beautiful scene. It can help you to relax and feel good when you are at peace with yourself. You’ll want to close your eyes and keep them closed while you admire the beautiful nature around you.

There’s one thing you have to avoid though, and that’s the feeling of shame because shame will kill the warm feelings that Oxytocin generates. You have to avoid that feeling of shame if you want to enjoy the benefits of Oxytocin.

SEROTONIN

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, part of the brain’s chemistry network and is responsible for emotional behaviour and mood. It is secreted by nerve cells and helps to regulate moods and emotions in the brain. Serotonin is closely linked to emotional well-being, moods and sleep.

You can increase your levels of serotonin if you do meditation and focus on what you’re feeling. A healthy way to do this is to sit down in a quiet room, close your eyes and try to focus on your breathing for about 10 minutes. Your serotonin levels will increase quite quickly because of this exercise. This is a simple exercise that you can learn at any time so there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to achieve the same results by yourself. You can also take 5-HTP supplements if you don’t want to meditate but want something more quickly effective than meditation.

Serotonin rises when your power is increased, so getting more power and strength in your life improves your general well being. It also increases when you’re surrounded by people who help you to lift yourself up, like friends and family who care about you.

You’ll be able to feel the benefits of serotonin when you put your imagination into action. You can imagine that the power of nature and the beauty of nature surrounds you and that there’s an eternal presence that’s constantly watching over and protecting your life, breathing through all things, so it can protect everyone around it.

ENDORPHINS

Endorphins are natural opiates released in the brain when we exercise or engage in other physical activity to relieve pain, suppress cough, reduce stress or anxiety, elevate mood, and induce sleepiness. When you have a cold, an infection or ate something that makes you sick these are the chemicals that your body releases to reduce pain.

How to Increase Endorphins

Here are some ways to exercise and increase your endorphin levels:

Run at least three times a week, jog on the spot or walk up and downstairs for at least 30 minutes. Spend about one-hour doing aerobic exercises like swimming, running, cycling, or dancing. Do bodyweight exercises anywhere like push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups, squats, and kneeling lifts. You can also lift weights to build muscle. Think of ways you can add some less intense exercises into your daily routine like gardening and dancing with your kids.

You don’t need any special equipment to get started because you can do these exercises in the comfort of your own home with no equipment needed at all. You need to get creative with your home environment and think of ways you can add these exercises into your routine, so they become a natural part of your everyday life.

Physical exercise is the best thing you can do for your body and brain because it produces endorphins. Endorphins have a strong influence on overall mood and well-being. You can expect to feel the effect of endorphins about 20-60 minutes after exercising.

The more intense and longer your exercise, the greater the overall impact of endorphins on mood. Studies have shown that basketball and tennis players get rewarded with increased levels of endorphin, while swimming produces less, and walking generates a little bit but nothing to write home about. You should be able to feel a physical and emotional difference three days after exercising consistently.

Some people get addicted to sports because they want to keep experiencing those good feelings indefinitely. You don’t need that kind of addiction in your life because it will limit your motivation.

For More on Inner Peace:

https://deborahbutler.eu/category/understanding/

Also, look at Martin Butler’s web site where you will find more information and join his Patreon channel, where you will find a lot more useful information.

https://martingbutler.com/

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Understanding

Why be a good member of society?

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What Is The Cost Of Being A Good Member Of Society?

Ask yourself – what does it cost to be a good member of society? The actual cost of fitting in is to contort ourselves in so many ways that it eventually becomes unbearable, and the prison that contains us must break. When this happens, we try to escape, but we are usually at a loss and keep turning in circles due to ingrained patterns, ending up at the same point where we started. As children, we learned these patterns, but as adults, they become our prisons. One way to get out of the rut is through understanding.

We don’t understand why we can’t escape from this trap, but the solution is simple. Programmed to go around the same track we cannot see an alternative because we have never used another method to break free. We can only look at the situation after trying so many things and know that we remain back where we started. Escape is only through observation and eventually understanding. With understanding about suffering, we can work through our situation and achieve peace within ourselves.

Families and Control

Families are a formidable source of social conditioning. Everyone in a family feels that somebody must meet their needs. However, they are not listening to one another so that no one has their needs met. They talk behind each other’s backs, and they have fixed expectations for each family member. Once cast in a role, it is almost impossible to escape. As they grow up, the only way to be good is to follow this role. The aim of being good is to get approval from the family and fit in. If we are not that way, then we are rejected and have no one.

The primary function of families is socialization to keep the individuals manageable. From an early age, members are already divided by how much trouble each individual is likely to cause. It may seem impossible for human beings to treat one another in this way, but it happens every day.

Parental Love and Conforming

Parents do not love their children equally and show them this in countless ways. They may appear loving, but inside they project their fear of the child or rejection onto the child. Caregivers expect the child to be the “best” and train them to mirror everything the parents wanted from life. Parents have already fitted their children into precise roles. They have a role model of expectations from each child. If children fall short, then they are punished. The child gets a spanking, is grounded, and is put outside or yelled at with no explanation.

The child does not feel that they are being treated unfairly but instead believes that their parents are both just and right. Because of this, they obediently fit into the roles they have learned to live within. There is something surreal about this situation since a child has had no part in its conditioned behavior from birth. These roles do not fit them as individuals but rather as their parent’s ‘model’ child. Children learn from their parents how to be good. They may not agree, but they are not going to sacrifice being included by disagreeing. If they break the rules, they are warned to stop it and are punished every time. In this way, they fear what will happen to them if their parents discover who they are beneath the surface. Their freedom of expression is a privilege that can be denied at any time.

We learn this while young, yet we usually carry this fear with us throughout life. There is no question about obeying even though we may not understand why we have to be like this. It is the only way we have learned to live and the only way our society expects us to live.

Starting to Learn About Being A Good Member Of Society

Education can be transformed into a place of comfort, allowing children to discover an understanding different from the role they have learned to conform within.

Through the broader experience of the world, they may grow up with a sense of pride in who they are as individuals and not conform to an expected role. The contrast between who they are and their conditioning is a challenge to be met. It is one we seldom realize, let alone take.

No Longer a Child and No Longer a Slave

The more we learn about ourselves and our environment, the freer we become. We begin to understand that there are so many ways of living a life with less suffering. As see how we are all born into this world, and we accept that suffering is a natural part of our existence. However, when we see things clearly and do not accept our conditioning for life, our understanding will change. Suffering is a fact of life, but through understanding, suffering no longer controls us.

Many people believe in this system of obedience even though there is no reality or truth behind it. The child believes what it learns to be true and has every reason to trust its caregivers as it knows nothing else. Habitual behaviors continue out of the need to please the caregivers around them for survival.

Adult Rebellion

Rebelling against childhood conditioning is challenging because it is easier to be good than to understand. In being good, the one who is acting believes themselves to be good, therefore, have nothing to criticize or change about themselves. The individual sees all the faults in others but not within themselves. Thoughts of actually trying something different frightens them into inaction. They may wonder if there is anything wrong with what they are currently doing – even though they suffer considerably. The fear of trying something different keeps most people trapped in this cruel stalemate.

As an adult, this learned system is broken because it no longer serves you as it did when you were a child. We can question and dissect the beliefs we have been raised with, seeing them as rules expected of us rather than truth. Seeing the truth is liberating once we realize that these people have no reason to be correct because, like us, they do not know what is true. They do not know everything, and they can be wrong.

Because now you are an adult, you see that other adults are not perfect. You can see things clearly and do not need to accept any role or title unless it serves you. It may not be possible for you to escape your present situation, but you can begin to see your part within this system, and that is a freedom of a sort in itself.

By understanding and realizing that you do not have free will in the situation, your observation becomes sharp, and it begins to expose all the things you believed were true. You begin to notice how you have learned your conditioning to be the way you were, in a state of suffering.

Why Do We Avoid Understanding?

Instead of the person who is overly critical of others looking at themselves, they have a fear of looking deeper into themselves. They will see that their criticism is being projected on to other people and not being as good as they would like to believe. These people are always unhappy and unfulfilled because they do not know how to live without expecting things to be as they desire.

They think that things should be a certain way, and everything goes from there, regardless of whether it is for better or worse. The overly critical person may be afraid of the various suggestions and options presented to them to help them get better. They fear that they might have to put in some work. Not understanding what this means other than they might have to take the initiative, even if it leads to success. Taking the risk is scary for most people as they would rather suffer in silence than put effort into exposing and understanding what has been happening to them and why. Avoidance is a Catch 22.

How I Overcame the Darkness

When I became aware of the feelings and thoughts that ruled my life, I wondered why some lived like this and others lived so differently. It wasn’t apparent to me because I would never have thought about these things before. But when I started thinking about them a lot, the world made more sense.

It helped when I sensed my body and observed the tensions that arise due to my emotions and imagination. I began to notice that I was pretty rigid and stuck in my experiences, even though I had no reason for it.

That led me to discover how to have a different perspective on things. There were many things in my life that I had not noticed before. When I start noticing myself, I saw what was happening and how I affect my thinking. I began to feel very angry about this, but I realized that the problem is not with other people or life itself. The problem is within me.

Understanding myself was my escape hatch out of the prison of compliance. I am so much happier since understanding how my imagination triggers my emotions and causes pain in my body. It’s all related, and the core to understanding it is through simple practice. Like learning scales to play the piano, this practice builds on itself, and it belongs to me. It’s not the property of a therapist, doctor, or any outside influence. It’s mine.

This practice uses traditional philosophy and psychology

For more click here…

Check Out Martin’s Web site for more insight into this practice

An Account of Life as it Actually Is

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Understanding

Hope and Fear – The Imposters of Life

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What Are Hope and Fear?

Hope and fear are both imposters, they are two sides of the same coin. When you have one, you necessarily have the other. For example, we hope to live for eternity, yet we fear our death. Fear is an illusion. It is the imagination of things that you may hope to happen sometime in the future yet dread the possibility of our unfulfilled hope. One especially true example is within the hope of a relationship. If you always realized your expectations, there would be no divorce.
Spinoza says, “hope is an inconstant joy born of the idea of a future or past thing whose outcome we to some extent doubt” (Ethics Part 3, Prop XII). He also says that “fear is an inconstant sadness born of the idea of a future or past thing whose outcome which to some extent doubt.” (Ethics Part 3, Prop XIII).

You Have No Control

There is never hope without fear nor fear without hope. However, all these things depend on our imagination of a future. If we are aware that we experience and only exist in the present, we understand there is no future. Therefore, we understand that there is no reason to hope or fear anything. Nevertheless, I exclude imminent danger here, where there is no planning, and you have to get out of the way of the danger as fast as possible. Yet, that is a threat that is occurring in your immediate experience. It is not a product of your imagination. The art of living is in maximizing your potential in the moment, which means making the most of your power.
This understanding does not mean abandoning your plans, yet it does mean abandoning your expected outcomes. Your expected outcomes will only cause you pain because you will never be able to realize them precisely as they are in your imagination. So, you will always be disappointed.
Your plans are an illusion that will give you a sense of power and control. Yet, there is no such thing as control of the future. You can no more control the future than the orbit of the earth around the sun or an asteroid about to hit the earth. It is an illusion, and therefore both fear and hope are illusions because they only exist in your imagination.

Hope And Fear Of Failure

People don’t often do something because of the fear of failure. What stops you when you become frozen in fear? It’s usually one part of you bullying the other. Martin Butler calls these the policeman and controller. The beast is the ID, the controller is the Ego, and the policeman is the Super-ego. When you allow the controller to be in charge, you are limiting yourself because nothing ever goes to plan, and you will always fail in achieving your expectation. Your failure may be that your outcome will be less, it may be that the outcome achieves more, or it may be simply that the outcome is different from your expectation. At some stage, these possible scenarios lead to disappointment.
Planning comes from the controller but is another illusion, like expectation. We plan at the moment as an act of our imagination, forming the outcomes we desire. Drop future expectations because they’re not helpful and are only imagination which leads to sadness. You cannot control what happens in the future – allow yourself to go with the flow with power.

Give A Bull A Large Field

Fear of failure will prevent you from trying many things, and it will limit you to stay doing things that do not challenge you and are safe. This internal conflict is one part of you bullying another. The policeman (Super Ego) gives the orders of ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts,’ and the controller makes you safe because it plans for the future and judges what actions you need to take to achieve your expectations. Why would you do this to yourself when that future never arises, and you’re always in the present.
The controller doesn’t take chances, but the beast (Id) does. The beast wants to have as broad an experience as possible. Give a bull a large field, and he will be happy. He doesn’t try to control his experience. He just goes with it. When this comes to trying (experiencing) different ideas, go with the flow. Start several projects because that’s what the beast likes and carry on with the one(s) that work. Discard the projects that don’t seem to bear fruit for you regardless of whether the policeman and controller tell you what you ‘ought to do because they have planned for a good outcome. This idea is simply in your imagination.

You Have The Power to Be Yourself

The policeman and controller want you to do it right because they have expectations of you, but it’s not just about what you want, but it’s also about what you don’t want. When rejecting something that feels wrong or uncomfortable, face those feelings head-on rather than pretending that they are not there.

Your police force does not like you to change. Your reptilian brain wants to return to comfortable, familiar things, and the controller needs predictability — the two conflict with your beast. The controller wants to plan your life so that the life you get is safe. If you want to try new things, you will have to fight this urge and stand up to all the little voices inside telling you what to do and realize that there is more in life than what they have experienced.

Admittedly they have their place and purpose, to keep you safe, but do you want to live your entire life boxed into a safe zone? We have recently experienced safety from deadly diseases, but do you want to live your whole life in fear of death – until you finally die without ever having lived!

You are not what you think, feel, or do, but you have a powerful influence on all three. The authentic person is found in your understanding, not in those areas where your imagination and feelings are involved. That is where most of your power lies. Like two sides of the same coin, fear and hope come from your imagination.

Being Authentic to Yourself

If you can allow yourself to step out of the Ego’s control, be the one who wants more, there is always something more. When you understand that the present moment is all that exists, you can lose the past and future. When you do this, you prevent them from limiting your understanding. Otherwise, they will destroy you because they will immobilize you with hope and fear. There is no real power but in who you are, what you stand for, and what you do.

Have Faith

Here, I am not talking about religious fervor but instead having faith in yourself. Faith is not an idea but a commitment to something you cannot see. To act on faith is the greatest challenge of all – you must remain open. Go with the flow and maintain this stance, stay present, and not criticize or condemn yourself for not doing things in a certain way. Life is constantly changing, but you can also stand still and let it happen to move you forward in new ways, places, and situations.

This trust is true faith. It is not about religion or dogma; it is about having the freedom to be and have goodwill towards yourself. Faith is your courage to act as though, even when you cannot see your vision come true. It is faith that guides us through all kinds of doubt and discouragement. Faith comes without expectation. The more faith you have, the stronger it becomes. Any doubts you have about your faith will diminish it. Faith is not the choice between letting go and holding onto something or even holding onto nothing at all – none of this makes any sense.

Letting Go

When you let go of hope and fear and open to faith, it means that you must be able to stand up for what you believe in and accept responsibility for it. To be able to do this, you must know yourself – your beliefs and your ideals. If they are not clear, how can you accept the responsibility that goes with them? It is not easy to face up to the truth of who you are and what you do. You will need much courage, but if you know who you indeed are and exist as this person, your faith will grow stronger. Faith in yourself and your experience as it occurs from moment to moment, without judgment, is a magical thing.

See Martin Butler’s Blog

More About This Practice

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Understanding

Why Should You?

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Why The Word Should Builds Anxiety and Conflict

Why does should cause anxiety? Should is a word you say when you don’t want to do something. When you tell someone else they ‘should do something, you are putting your judgment upon them. And if you tell yourself you should’ve done something, you are putting judgment on yourself.

It is not enjoyable to think about the word ‘should’ as it causes stress and tension. So instead, maybe ask yourself, “What do I want?” or “What do I prefer?” The word ‘should’ creates inner self-judgment. It can overpower your true desires and bully you into doing something you do not want to do. This bullying can lead to depression and anxiety, eventually leading to reduced productivity in the future. It’s important to remember that we’re all imperfect beings with flaws and failures, and absolute perfection is a myth. You’re already uniquely perfect just the way you are, so why would you want to be a different perfect? Why tell yourself you ‘should do something or be someone you don’t want to be? If you want to do something, do it and feel the joy you get from that freedom.

We all have different personalities, and we all enjoy different things. What one person likes may be right for them but not for another person. Don’t try to change someone’s personality. Why would you try to change your personality to please others when you can be yourself? In reality, other people would like you more for it. Why are most of the population anxious and depressed? It’s because we try so hard to be someone we aren’t. When someone tries hard to be something they’re not, they become a hypocrite. If others point that out to them, they say that person “should just stop being so sensitive.” This accusation can lead to more anxiety.

The Word Should Diminishes Your Power

When you criticize someone, you can see them change to agree with your way of thinking. However, they will never be who they genuinely are when they do this for you. Why would you want them to become something they’re not? They may be different from what you enjoy, but that’s okay because we’re all different and unique. Their difference is magnificent. If not, why are they still in your life?

In addition to anxiety, this word may cause you to do something that is not authentic for you. For example, you don’t tell yourself you should go shopping. If you want to go shopping, then just do it. When you don’t want to go shopping, that’s okay too. If you didn’t do it, you didn’t do anything wrong. No judge will punish you for that. If you stop saying “I should” to yourself, you will gain because doing things for yourself instead of forcing yourself to do things will help make your life better. Then you’ll also feel much better about yourself.

Be Yourself

How do you feel when you tell yourself that you should do something? You feel pressured, and it’s exhausting to think about it. How do you feel when you want to say ‘no,’ but you know if you do, someone will say that what you did was wrong? It’s a no-win situation. But think about how good you will feel when you do something for yourself instead of for everyone else, like going shopping. The word ‘should’ is very controlling and can lead to someone being a doormat.

If someone does something you don’t like, just say, “Hey, that’s not my thing, but it doesn’t hurt me, so I’ll let it be.” When they don’t want to change their habits, then that’s okay because they’re happy with them. If no one else brings up the issue, then what does it matter to you? It’s bullying if you bring this behavior up unless they bring it up first or if they have asked you to point it out to them beforehand. If they don’t ask themselves about it, why would you expect them to want you to bring it up?

If you want to find out what’s going on in someone else’s mind, just look at the way they work. How do they work? We all have flaws, and we all make mistakes. A better way to speak is by saying “I prefer” or “I’d like.” Just get the facts straight before you tell someone they’re doing something wrong. Be careful because this is a sensitive subject that can lead to frustration, arguments, anger, and even violence.

Understanding Others

If someone says they don’t like how they do something but are still doing what they were doing, leave them alone. Until that person asks, they are comfortable with their actions.

It’s unlikely that you want to be not proactive, and you don’t want to be a doormat. Instead of trying to control another person’s behavior, be selfish and ask yourself, “What do I want?” or “What do I prefer?” and leave them to do what they want.

When someone tells you that you should not do something, why would you want to listen to them? If no one else tells you that this is not good for you, why would you want to change? It may be suitable for them, but not for you.

Instead, do what you feel will give you power, not what will give others power. This inner voice of desire tells you to get out of your ‘safety box’ and do something for yourself, not for others unless this action serves you.

Focus on You

Be yourself, and don’t waste your time trying to change someone else. If you don’t like something, then why would you force yourself to try to do it? When you tell yourself that you should’ve done something and are putting judgment on yourself, this is your Ego punishing you for escaping your ‘safety box’ of its control. Your Ego is the number one control mechanism in your psyche.

When you are true to yourself, you can find out what makes you happy and be what kind of person you want to be. If you force yourself to be anything else, this could mean ending your life as someone free.

Ego Driven To Obey

A question you may want to ask yourself is, ‘Why does my Ego punish me for escaping my safety box?’

Here, I want you to analyze where we live in our psyche, within our Ego. What is our Ego? When we’re kids, the first thing we do is learn how to tell what’s in front of us and accept it as truth. We teach ourselves what is right and wrong through others. This acceptance is because children are the best students. After all, they don’t know better. In other words, they’re open-minded and innocent and don’t have an exaggerated sense of self-importance yet.

If you were to put another child in the same situation, they would have a different viewpoint than you do or behave very differently. For example, if I put another child in my place and tell him the right way is how I do things, he may feel brow-beaten and tell me I’m wrong. But when you’re young, you don’t know better. You learn what’s right or wrong by accepting your caregivers’ dominant opinions on how everyone and everything should behave. This childhood learned pattern is a powerful driver in survival.

When we’re young and learn the right or wrong way to do things, we gain our lifelong instructions. These instructions form the basis of how our Ego is born, from being told when something is right or wrong, good or bad.

You base everything you’ve learned about right and wrong on what other people think. Your thought processes are what you have heard of as right and wrong from others, not because it makes sense. Therefore, your number one control mechanism in your psyche is called the Ego. The Ego is a collection of the strongest opinions you learned as a child.

What's Right And Wrong

You have only one strong opinion, that of right and wrong. If told that something is right, then this means it’s good, and if told something is wrong, then this means it’s bad. Right or wrong is only a thought process, but our Ego convinces us that there must be an absolute right or wrong when in reality, there isn’t. As Spinoza states in The Ethics, the only right and wrong is “nothing but an affect of joy or sadness, insofar as we are conscious of it.” He means that when we do something right, we are doing something that increases our power. When we do something wrong, we do something that diminishes our power.

As adults, we form our own desires and opinions of right and wrong. When our Ego is strong, we care what other people think or believe because our survival depends on it. As you look at all the advice you’ve been given over the years and really see it, you understand that this idea is based on others’ opinions. And this is when you’ll realize just how wrong most of it is.

The funny thing about this ego control process is that it becomes almost impossible for anyone else to tell us what’s right and wrong, good or bad, true or false, once it’s in place. Overriding this programming is exceedingly tricky, but it is possible if we want to.

Life Without 'Should'

We could go into the concept that we have to accept whatever the world has handed down to us as ‘the truth,’ and then our thinking would follow suit. But this is not the solution. Your truth always depends on you because you’re the one who thinks about it and creates its reality through your thoughts. You’ll encounter many people saying things that sound good or bad, but this is just their interpretation of those issues.

Everyone’s opinion is correct – for them, at whatever level of understanding they have achieved for themselves. That’s why you cannot try to impose your interpretation on others because it will be right for you but not suitable for them. The reason for this is that their understanding is simply different. It doesn’t mean that one of you is wrong or right. But it does mean that your understanding levels are different, and the words have a different meaning for you. What matters is doing what is right for you, not what you should do because it’s right for someone else.

One way to look at the world is to understand that whatever happens in the outside world is just a reflection or representation of what’s going on inside us.

See Martin Butler’s Blog

More About This Practice

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Understanding

Envy and Advantage

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Envy and Advantage over Equals

Envy and advantage are core to our nature. Failed experiments in envy are easy to see. We only envy and try to seek an advantage over those to whom we feel equal. If you feel somebody is superior or inferior, you do not bother, because you are certain of winning or losing the battle.

Envy is Feeling Disempowered

We pitch ourselves against our equals and try to dis-empower them in order to increase our own power and advantage.

For example, you learn of a new person and believe they are superior to you. You admire their qualities and want to be like them, but on meeting them, the reality of the individual hits you and they fall rapidly off their pedestal. They are not what you thought they were.

When your stories about people are false

When you didn’t know a person, you made up a story about them in your imagination and expected them to live up to this story, which they could not do because they are not that person in your imagination. You cannot possibly know anything about that person, so you created an imaginary piece for the puzzle that you have created in your mind for them and fit that into the gap in your knowledge. This piece fit the space but did not fit the picture.

Imagination failure

Imagination creates a fake reality, but when observations come from experience, they become real and can be clearly and distinctly be observed through your interaction with them.

This also holds true of places, jobs, and many other things. Until we experience it, we cannot possibly know it and because we cannot know it, we cannot judge it.

So, envy, hatred and admiration are simply inadequate passions that stir up your thoughts and emotions and create reactions of anticipation in your body.

What if you were able to drop needing to create a complete picture of someone? What if you could simply let the experience provide you with the missing pieces? In this work, we do that.

Your advantage is having no preconceptions and therefore not being mistaken. Your imagination affects your sense of self-worth, pride and a host of other things that cripple your self-esteem. So, don’t do it.

Envy and advantage are not related and when you realize they don’t depend on each other, you can be free of envy.

You might enjoy Martin Butler’s blog on life:

On Being Destroyed

Or check out some other posts here on this topic:

Power

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