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Mother and Daughter
Alienation

Recovery, Acceptance, and Reconciliation

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Managing Expectations for Reconciliation

Attempting to reconcile with an estranged parent as an adult can be fraught with challenges. It’s crucial for adult children to recognize that everyone’s perspective and life experiences evolve over time. Perceived reality is based on what people knew when the disconnection occurred. Changes have occurred since the time their perceptions of past events were influenced. Therefore, setting unrealistic expectations for the reunion can lead to disappointment.

Open Communication as a Path Forward

Rather than imposing expectations, adult children should focus on open communication. Sharing their perspective and experiences with their estranged parent is essential. 

It is important for the adult child to explore the facts as they see them. They can then present them openly to their parents. If the parent is open to the facts and willing to hear them, as well as listening and engaging with an open heart and mind, there may be an opportunity for the adult child to rebuild their relationship or forge a new relationship.

The Complexity of Reconciliation

Reconciliation is a complex and ongoing process that requires effort from both sides. Adult children often struggle with accepting that the traits they were trained to despise in their parents still exist. This can lead to confusion and emotional pain, as they navigate the nuances of a renewed relationship.

Father and Son

Recovery from estrangement as an adult child includes the following:

  1. Opening the lines of communication with your estranged parent, or family members, to better understand the situation. This will help you to forgive yourself for any part that you may have played in the estrangement and will allow you to rebuild your self-esteem.
  2. Finding additional support through friends and professional counselling. This can help you accept not only your parents, but yourself as well. You will heal from many of the invisible wounds that have been affecting you over the years.
  3. Gain a sense of inner peace and power, to help you to let go of the anger that has been plaguing you for so long. You are now able to focus on the future without these burdens weighing you down. You are now ready to be part of your family again.

Conclusion

Parental alienation leaves a profound impact on adult children. It affects their self-esteem, trust in others, and expectations for reconciliation. To embark on a path toward healing and potential reconnection, adult children must prioritize open communication. They need to acknowledge the complexity of their emotions and relationships. It is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to confront the past while keeping an open mind about the future.

For the parents, it is coming to terms with the fact that the rift may never be healed. The outcome is not in your control, it depends on all parties. It also depends on outside influencers who have a vested interest on the outcome of the reconciliation. If a divorce has been part of this, both divorcees involved in the situation may be needed. Time is also a factor; it heals but can also separate further.

Dr. Richard A. Gardner is an American psychiatrist best known for his work as a child custody evaluator in high-conflict divorce cases, as well as for his controversial theory of “parental alienation”.

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Alienated childhood causes adult PTSD
Alienation

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

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Symptoms

Many adult children feel as though they are suffering from unnoticed symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Their symptoms are triggered by events, people, places, and things that remind them of their hostile childhood.

Flashbacks

Many adult-children will experience flashbacks of traumatic events from their childhood and these can include false memories, triggered through PTSD to deal with situations that they are unable to process as a child, which complicates their sense of their experience. These are often very vivid and can spark feelings of intense anxiety or fear. It is possible for an adult-child to have a PTSD diagnosis after enduring chronic trauma during childhood. This can be distressful for the adult child. The symptoms of PTSD can make it hard to live a normal and healthy life. It is important that the adult-child seeks professional treatment.

Stress

One of the most common symptoms reported by alienated children is stress, which is a result of the unknown future when it comes to their parents or other family members. This lack of information can cause intense feelings of worry and anxiety.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Depression, Anger, Guilt & Shame

It is also common for children to show signs of depression, anger, guilt and shame, which can come from the emotional abuse they experienced from their controlling parent. They often feel that there is something wrong with them or that they are to blame.

Self-Sabotage

It is common for children of divorce to eventually develop a form of self-sabotage that interferes in their personal relationships as adults. This behavior can lead to an early death due to substance abuse or suicide. Hopefully this is not the case in a situation you are involved in.

Is Reconciliation Possible?

Efforts to reconciliation between a parent and an adult child often involve extensive counseling and therapy. This is a slow process that requires time, dedication and determination.

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Low Self-Esteem
Alienation

Low Self-Esteem

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Do You Suffer From Low Self-Esteem?

Understanding the Impact of Parental Alienation on Adult Children is important to understanding them. 

Parental alienation can leave a lasting mark on adult children, impacting their self-esteem, relationships, and expectations for reconciliation. In this article, we delve into the emotional challenges adult children may face when trying to reconnect with their estranged parents.

The Struggle with Low Self-Esteem

 As adults, children who have experienced parental alienation often grapple with a profound sense of powerlessness and low self-esteem. This emotional struggle stems from their upbringing, where they were subjected to manipulative tactics that distorted their perceptions and self-worth.

An adult child will often come up with justifications for why they feel as they do about the one parent, with negative emotions and thoughts that are not originally their own. These are often used to cover up an issue that happened during their childhood that they do now want to, or cannot, face. They find it hard to trust people again, which will limit them from developing new relationships.

Low Self-Esteem

Ownership of Negative Emotions

Adult children frequently find themselves wrestling with negative emotions and thoughts that were not originally their own. These emotions serve as a defense mechanism to mask the painful experiences they endured during their childhood. This inner turmoil can make it challenging for them to trust others and form new relationships.

Managing Expectations for Reconciliation

Attempting to reconcile with an estranged parent as an adult can be fraught with challenges. It’s crucial for adult children to recognize that everyone’s perspective and life experiences evolve over time, influencing their perceptions of past events. Therefore, setting unrealistic expectations for the reunion can lead to disappointment.

Open Communication as a Path Forward

Rather than imposing expectations, adult children should focus on open communication. Sharing their perspective and experiences with their estranged parent is essential. 

It is important for the adult child to explore the facts as they see them and present them openly to their parent. If the parent is open to the facts and willing to hear them, as well as listening and engaging with an open heart and mind, there may be an opportunity for the adult child to to rebuild their relationship or forge a new relationship.

The Complexity of Reconciliation

 Reconciliation is a complex and ongoing process that requires effort from both sides. It’s not uncommon for adult children to struggle with accepting that the traits they were trained to despise in their parent still exist. This can lead to confusion and emotional pain, as they navigate the nuances of a renewed relationship.

Conclusion

Parental alienation leaves a profound impact on adult children, affecting their self-esteem, trust in others, and expectations for reconciliation. To embark on a path toward healing and potential reconnection, adult children must prioritize open communication and acknowledge the complexity of their emotions and relationships. It is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to confront the past while keeping an open mind about the future.

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Alienated Children as Adults and Abandonment
Alienation

Alienated Children as Adults

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The Lifelong Impact of Parental Alienation on Adult Children

Alienated children can be profoundly and enduringly affected, even as they transition into adulthood. As alienated children reach adulthood, it hardwires this damage into their psyche. 
 
This damage influences their interactions with others and can manifest as withdrawal, such as through drug use, or as aggression. In some cases, adult children keep those around them in a tightly knit, almost controlling bind because they learned to earn love this way during childhood. They also tend to exclude anyone they perceive as the enemy, including the alienated parent and those who support them.
 
The emotional scars inflicted during childhood continue to shape their behaviors and relationships in later life, often resulting in withdrawal, aggression, and complex interpersonal dynamics.

Psychological Scars Last a Lifetime

The sad thing is that this is the adult child’s ‘learned’ behavior. It is not an essential part of who they are. As adults, they have many other things going on in their life, so reconciliation with the estranged parent will not be high on their list of priorities. Indeed, it’s probably the last thing that they want to do because it brings up the trauma and pain of the past.

When a child is subjected to parental alienation, the scars run deep. These emotional wounds can persist into adulthood, influencing how they connect with others. It’s essential to understand that these effects are not a fundamental part of their identity but rather learned behaviors resulting from their past experiences.

The Influence of Childhood Lessons

Adult children who have experienced parental alienation may exhibit controlling behaviors in their relationships. This behavior stems from their childhood lessons on how to earn love and affection. They learned to keep people close and exclude those they perceive as threats, often including the alienated parent and their supporters.

The Role of Pain

Every action taken by an alienated adult child often comes from a place of pain. The trauma and emotional turmoil endured during childhood continue to shape their actions and choices as adults. Reconciliation with the estranged parent is typically not a high priority, as it brings up painful memories from the past.

Alienated Children as Adults and Abandonment
Alienated Children as Adults and Abandonment

The Legacy of Abandonment

Children who were alienated from one parent frequently grapple with feelings of abandonment and vulnerability. This can lead to anger and mistrust towards the alienated parent, as they believe the parent intentionally caused their suffering. Often, children blame themselves for the situation, further complicating the healing process.

The Silence of Suffering

Many children who experience parental alienation suffer in silence. They may not disclose their ongoing struggles with alienation to their parents until years after the divorce, if ever. The fear of exacerbating the situation or burdening their parents with their pain can prevent them from seeking help.

When children are alienated from a parent, they often feel abandoned and vulnerable. This can lead to feelings of anger towards the alienated parent and can cause them not to trust the alienated parent. Children tend to blame themselves for what has happened, because they feel like the alienated parent is doing it all on purpose. Many children suffer in silence and do not inform their parents of their ongoing issues with alienation until years after the divorce has been finalized, if ever.

Conclusion

The impact of parental alienation on adult children is far-reaching and enduring. It’s crucial for parents and professionals to recognize these effects and offer support to help these individuals heal and develop healthier relationships in adulthood. By acknowledging the psychological scars and addressing the root causes of alienation, there is hope for these adult children to lead more fulfilling lives.

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